I hate myself. I really hate myself.

I hate my suay-ness. I hate my stupid gong-toot-ness. I hate my carelessness.

Now I know how it's like to feel emo. I really let myself go super emo today. But I don't care. I don't give a damn anymore.

It's so much more painful to lose your wallet than to have it stolen. At least when your wallet is stolen, you prepare yourself for the fact that you'll never get it back, and it almost always turns out true. You can comfort yourself that it wasn't your fault that your wallet got stolen.

But when you lose your wallet, it's different. It's entirely your fault that your wallet is gone, and now you have to go through the torture of hoping and praying that a kind soul will find your wallet and return it to you.

'Cos that's what happened to me. Exactly 6 months after my wallet got stolen, I lost my wallet again today. Can anybody be even stupider than me? I don't think so.

I'm not angry about losing the wallet. What I'm angry about is the fact that I know my parents are undergoing financial difficulties, and I just did something to aggravate the situation. They work like shit just to support my brother and I, and what did I just do?

I threw all their money away. Just like that.

I don't know how to tell my dad that I lost my wallet. I guess I should be thankful that my IC wasn't in there this time, but I still feel like the kid who makes life living hell for his parents.

I'm so worried that they'll purposely skip their meals just to give us pocket money. I know for a fact that sometimes my mom will walk to work just to save on the bus fare. And I have no idea whether my dad will skip his meals just to be able to save money to buy us dinner. He won't tell us anything. Even when he's suffering, he'd rather suffer in silence than to share it with us. How I wish he'll share his problems with us.

I don't want my parents to suffer. I want them to have a good life, I really do. I'd rather I suffer in their stead than to let them suffer.

I feel so selfish and useless. I feel unable to give my parents a better life. I'm a failure as their kid.

Everytime I see customers paying for their bills, I see the thick wad of notes in their wallets. I'll compare those wallets to my dad's wallet. Everytime he takes out money to give to me when I'm short of cash, my heart really bleeds when I see how empty it is. I want my dad's wallet to be as fat as the customers at Dome, but I can't give it to him. I can't give that kinda life to him. A life he can enjoy. He'll probably slog all the way to his grave.

I feel like telling the customers how lucky they are to enjoy these luxuries.

I am crying while I'm typing this entry.

I'm so glad that I have Jin to talk sense into me. I'm so glad that I have Jasmine, Yiling, Tat, Alan and James who care for me. Really, I'm very happy I have friends like you. And for the others who care for me just as much, the reason I didn't mention you guys is bcos you weren't aware of my problem. But I'm sure if you did, you'd provide the same care and concern. You know who you are. And I love you all for it.