Sometimes I wonder how can she hate you, when so many others love you?

I find it easy to like you, but yet, I can remember a time when I used to hate you with a vengeance. For a short while anyway. And I can't hate you for long, too.

I don't know where this entry is going, actually.

And I realised I have this really bad flaw in my character that I hate so much but just can't change. Why does the grass on the other side always seem greener to me?

Let's pretend I'm 5 years old. I'm using a kid's analogy here, but it doesn't mean that this character flaw has been around since I was young, ok! I've only just recently developed this flaw ever since I entered TP.

Anyway, I'm 5, and I'm at my best friend's birthday party. I've looked forward to this party for ages. I've got the cutest dress ever, with pink frills and lace and all ribbons everywhere. Yeah right, like I would wear a dress when I was young. I'm serious! I hated dresses or skirts even when I was a kid.

Digresses aside. On with the analogy.

I've got the greatest present for my friend. It's the newest Barbie doll on the market, the one that looks like Snow White. Yeah right, like I'd get a Barbie doll for my friend. I'd probably get colour pencils. That's the only thing my mom got for my friends when I attended their birthday parties.

And while I'm playing Musical Chairs with the other kids, I wonder, "Where's Malcolm? Is he at home? Why didn't he come to the party? Maybe his parents brought him to McDonald's. I bet he's eating McNuggets now. Yucks, I don't like egg sandwiches. I want McNuggets!"

And even though I love egg sandwiches (I really do! I'm looking forward to FOW/FOC's breakfasts and suppers), I start yearning for McNuggets, and I don't have as much fun as I would at the party.

If only "Malcolm" didn't come into the picture, then I'd be having the time of my life. This party would be one of the many significant events that'd be etched in my memory. But because of "Malcolm", I can't have fun at my best friend's party anymore.

Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Because that's what it's always been about. It doesn't matter if you don't get it.

Even though I'm not 5 anymore, sometimes I still feel like I am. I can't handle those kind of situations. Maybe I once could, but now I can't. It's too stressful. So don't blame me if I run away. Don't blame me if I can't face my problems. It's probably the one thing we have in common, come to think of it.

By the way, I used the name 'Malcolm' because this boy by the name of 'Malcolm' really used to be my Kindergarten classmate. It was because of him that I fell from a very high plank and knocked myself senseless for a few minutes. Recently, it's been my theory that it was because of that fall that I have such a bad memory now.

Anyway, his name is the only other one I can remember from my male Kindergarten classmates. The other boy's name is Joel, but he was a terror. Don't think he is now, though.

We're too different for it to be possible. Best to nip this in the bud. Please give me the strength to stop it from getting any further.